Adventures in Poor TV: Finding Bigfoot Part 1

Finding Bigfoot is a show about a team of esteemed “experts” in all things Bigfoot. The group is a part of BFRO – Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization. Matt Moneymaker, a former lawyer, is the founder and president of the BFRO and thus, the leadman of the show. The rest of his BFRO team is rounded out by Ranae Holland, the supposedly skeptical field biologist. Cliff Barackman, the evidence analyst and self proclaimed Bigfoot nerd. Last but not least there’s James “Bobo” Fay, the expert field caller and comic relief of the show (on this program, that’s saying something).

You can watch Finding Bigfoot every Sunday at 10PM EST on Animal Planet. But to save you some pain, we’ll recount for you.

AiPT writers Russ “Dog” Dobler and BJ White sat down to watch the latest episode dubbed “Big Sky Bigfoot” and provided some color commentary while they watched it, presumably whilst gently holding each others’ hands. Much like the basis of the show, we’ll present the information and let you believe what you want to believe. Enjoy.

Dog: I’m pretty much spent after the intro. My favorite part is when Cliff says there are “telltale bits” in the subject footprints that CLEARLY indicate they were made by a Sasquatch. An animal whose morphology (let alone its existence) has never been established. Right. Mr. Moneymaker says he’s been tracking Bigfoot for 25 years.

A storied career of finding nothing! And are we really using the term “Squatch” with a straight face? That’s less a name and more the sound sweaty sex makes when using too much lube.

BJ: On this episode of Finding Bullshit… I don’t even want to waste the next 40 minutes of my life sitting through this — they showcased anything even remotely interesting in the intro. You pretty much nailed it, Russ; Matt has been looking for something that doesn’t exist for 25 years — I bet his wife wished he showed that much dedication to her G-Spot.

Bobo’s Squatchman necklace looks a lot like the Hatchetman necklace, which reminds me of ICP and Juggalos, which… you know what I’m not even going to launch into that kind of tirade right now.

The opening scene of the show has the BFRO team driving through Montana in their 2014 Chevrolet Suburban, found at your local area GM/Chevy dealer.

Dog: They open by telling us you can see for miles in every direction in Big Sky Country. Kind of hurts their case if they don’t notice anything then, doesn’t it? Who’s driving the car in this first scene? They’re both flailing their arms like angry Italians. Oh, a lesson in Montana geography from Ranae! See, it IS educational!

BJ: Ranae failed to mention that when they crossed the state line the team actually doubled the current population of Montana. I mean in theory it would be the perfect place to find an imaginary creature. You’d have to be delusional to want to live in that state.

I still can’t get over the fact that Matt’s been looking for 25 years; they should really change the focus of the show to Finding Jimmy Hoffa — I would watch that more willingly.

Dog: They’re more likely to find Hoffa. At least he’s been proven to exist.

The team arrives at an isolated location and began interviewing a couple who photographed alleged Bigfoot footprints. Cliff being the evidence analyst leads the interview and proceeds to talk about the midtarsal ridge commonly found in bipedal creatures.

Dog: My man Cliff is on the case with this blobby footprint and some awesome, sciencey-sounding nonsense. “I’ll just divide the tarsal factor by the pull-it-out-of-my-ass coefficient …” One of the witnesses randomly remarks about a blown out flip-flop. Are they actually searching for Buffetsquatch?

Ranae has a talking head segment during the interview, and she appears to be in another state. Where’d all the snow go? They decide somehow the fact that the track doesn’t look like anything … supports the idea that Bigfoot did it. I think that’s the actual definition of something that can’t be falsified.

BJ: Ah, the rare disease known as Boothand. Commonly mislabeled as Bigfoot prints by people suffering from Head-in-ass syndrome.

I can barely talk much less think anymore, the whole idea of Buffetsquatch with a blown out flip-flop has me crying from laughing so hard.

The team begins their customary first night investigation to get a feel for the local wildlife and hopes to catch some early “squatch” action.

Dog: Finally, enough screwing around; let’s do some NIGHT INVESTIGATING! It’s always easier to find things in the dark! What’s with the chest cameras pointed at THEM? Are we trying to prove the existence of Bigfoot HUNTERS? They howl for some reason, which rouses the coyotes.

I’d hope a Bigfoot call wouldn’t sound so much like another, completely unrelated animal they live alongside. Could make it difficult when trying to mack it to lady Bigfeet. These guys are sinking in snow up to their hips, but there isn’t a single additional Sasquatch track to be found. Does the 400-pound man-beast glide across the surface like a water nymph?

BJ: The level of absurdity this has hit is TOO DAMN HIGH! I believe they have the cameras pointed at them to show their feigned/scripted level of shock when they hear a noise. Nightvision Bobo looks too much like a younger Meat Loaf for me to concentrate.

The howling is the only redeeming quality of this show in my opinion. Not because of the seriousness and gusto that they do it with but for the fact that I’m sure some footage is ruined by campers who just happened to be in that area shouting back “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” in the dead of the night.

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Don’t get lost in the woods, here’s part two!